Waffle Fries

 I can't find waffle fries anywhere. Other fries, no problem. You're thinking, stop whining. Third World countries can't conceive of waffle fries. But have you ever tasted them? You would understand. I never used ketchup or any other condiment. Shameless, I shoved them down, only pausing to gulp my Mountain Dew.

If this pandemic has killed off these delights, I will scream bloody murder.

Meanwhile, hot dogs survive. Why? I have not eaten a full blown hot dog in years. On occasion I have chowed down on those little baby dogs. I don't bother with mustard. You just swallow the little ones, no excessive chewing. There is a rumor Chipolata does waffle fries.One just opened near me. Time for a field trip.

Christmas

 I don't know what to expect this Christmas. Should I stay home and avoid family and possible infection? After months of isolation, that would be tough. I sent out all my presents weeks ago. Thanksgiving was a beautiful day and I stayed outside walking. I got a couple of phone calls which I appreciated. 

I had a tooth extracted two days ago. Had a nice talk with the oral surgeon while waiting for the Novocane to take effect. When he finished, he said he enjoyed talking to me. That realy felt good.

I envy young people who still have their parents and siblings. I have photos and memories.

I can always watch Netflicks on the big day. I know I'm not alone in my isolation.That doesn't make it easier.

Extraction

 I'm supposed to get a molar extracted in ten days. There's a cavity under my crown. No idea how it got there. I brush every day with Crest Detoxify. I floss, jab ib the pic, wash with anti-cavity liquid. I swish pre-brush stuff that's supposed to loosen plaque. How coulld this happen?

People tell me you don't need your molars. I beg to differ. Why would they be there unless they helped chew? I am afraid I'll sneeze or cough or gag during the procedure. Fifteen years ago I had one extracted using just Novocaine. I got through it.

At some point I'll need dentures. Soak them at night. Feel really old. I want to chew like normal people.

Ice Pops

Shoprite's Bowl and Basket ice pops are as delicious as any pricier brands. For $2.99 you can't go wrong. Add in their chips, hard boiled eggs, frozen food, etc. and you get good food at a marked down price.

Along with the food, I purchased one of their speedy baggers for a huge discount. This fellow now accompanies me on all my shopping trips. I save all kinds of time at the self checkout with him scanning and bagging. I can then use that time to create the kind of literature that wins grants.

Sometimes my bagger gets restless in his room, so I got him bongo drums to keep his hands busy.

Elected

I'm not a huge Biden supporter, but he has experienced tragedy and moved on. I wish he were about eight years younger. He will bring us back into the Paris Accords and have us reenter WHO. We need unity, calm, trust. His cabinet choices are all important. I am interested to see how much responsibility he gives Harris.

No one administration can solve all our problems. The breakdown of police enforcement, especially in NY, is quite disturbing. As far as Corona, the Times reported it is so widespread, contact tracing is near impossible. There is no magic approach except a successful vaccine.

It will be so appreciative not to have hourly comments on Twitter. I do believe, despite his boorishness, Trump accomplished more in four years than Obama did in eight. Were it not for his poor handling of the pandemic, he might have squeaked by for a second term. I'll be watching the market closely.

Tooth

I see swelling on the inside gum around a back tooth I had a crown placed. Go to dentist. X-ray taken. Dentist tells me inflamation and bone loss. Cannot treat. Extraction only action. I ask to see previous x-rays. They tell me uunless the patient complains, they do not x-ray the back tooth. This is exactly the tooth that needed a root canal, two crowns and had an abcess treated.

How could they not x-ray this tooth? Because of their negligence It looks like I'm losing a tooth. I can't afford implant or bone graft. I did everything I was supposed to for dental health on a daily basis. Maybe this is why my sugar numbers were higher. Even with coverage, I'm going to have a big co-payment.

It just keeps going on and on, one thing after another.

The Fall

 She sits on the bench in front of CVS. Greets everyone. Easily in her seventies. Angular face. So polite to everyone. I soke to her once. We both were reading books. She said she reads everything but romances. Mentioned a daughter.

I see her there almost every single day. You see, at some point she asks everyone for spare change. Most ignore her. I'm wondering if she gets Social Security, food stamps, welfare, Medicaid. It must be a rent controlled apartment.

I'm sitting on another bench, but I can hear her panhandling. Always says thank you, no matter the response. Then suddenly I realize it's been quiet. I look over and see a small crowd. Walk over there. She is lying unconscious on the ground. Curled up like a child. Did she trip? Faint? EMS comres, followed by police. The volunteer tries to get her to speak. What's your name? she repeats. No response.

I decide to leave. Too sad. I wonder what will become of her. It happens that fast.

Fluffy Towel

I bought a fluffy towel in Target's. After using it when I showered, I felt like a new person. Next morning, I entered the bathroom and found it lying on the floor. There is only one conclusion. My other non-fluffy towels refused to accept it out of jealousy.

I've always treated my towels well. Same with my wash cloths. This treatment was unacceptable. I am master of my domain. I thought about buying a bunch of fluffies, but my budget wouldn't allow it. I have decided to install several of my hand puppets near the hamper next time I use my new towel, just to guard my purchase.

It seems every time I upgrade there are problems. I brought in a new recliner and my old one refuses to recline.I need a furniture whisperer.

Pro Football

Then the season begins. Dropped passes, interceptions, fumbles, sacks, injuries, blown coverage, no blocking, bad tackling, missed field goals, penalties, poor coaching, etc.

Every fall I'm suckered in. Reading the sports pages, I get pumped up by all the positive statements by coaches and players on the Giants and Jets.

I watch highlights of other teams brilliance and shake my head. I spend Sundays walking in the park, watching squirrels. Thank God for college games where I have no favorite.

Maybe I should switch to professional soccer.

House Plants

 I got house plants to keep me company during the pandemic. God, what a mistake. Never heard so much bitching.

I need more light! You haven't watered me in days!

You never talk to me! 

I need to be pruned right now! Stop walking around in your underwear!

It;s my condo and I have to deal with this nonsense. Finally, I went out and got two enforcers. Put them right in the middle of those whining oxygen suckers. A giant cactus and a pot of stink weed. That should shut the bastards up.

I'm going back to my sock puppets who adore me.

Tow Truck

 I fell off a tow truck. Happy? You feel superior? This is actually the second tow truck I've fallen from, possibly a record .How? Very simple. Once the truck stopped so I could get $125 from the ATM to pay the driver, I got out of the passenger side of my car. I couldn't ride in the cab because his trainee daughter was with him.

I walked to the edge of the flatbed, calculated the drop and figured this was a cinch. Money in the bank. I took a step, kept going down, landed wtong, wound up sprawled in the middle of the street, blocking traffic. The driver looked down at me and said, I thought you were man enough. His daughter shook her head in disgust.

I got to my feet as he kept asking if I was okay. He admitted he was worried about a lawsuit. I told him I was a little sore, but fine. I got the money, we dropped off the car at Honda and I declined his offer to drive me home.

Turned out, the problem was a worn out key that no longer connected with the computer. New key--$231. I am beginning to wonder if there really is a beneficent God.

Library Farce

Note to the idiot who sends out emails announcing the library is now open. I park, put fifty cents into the meter, walk inside and all I see is yellow tape blocking off everything. The young guy behind the desk steps out as I stand there befuddled.

What do you want? he asks. I tell him about the email. He informs me one cannot browse, read, bssically only order a book and they'll get it for you. I tell him none of that was indicated in the message. He says he'll look into it.

I am fed up. Five months, every day hot, humid, they sit inside in air conditioning doing nothing, a paid vacation. Shut it down, save electricity. As a taxpayer I am disgusted. Tattoo parlors, casinos, salons are open. Libraries and gyms remain closed. Ridiculous.

Women and Dogs

 Please stop talking to your dogs like they are children. Stop chastising, praising, discussing general topics in parks. You are embarrassing yourself. I know people talk to turtles and lizards, probably out of boredom. Dogs, however, because they live with people, can easily begin to believe they are just as important as real kids.

If you hug your mutt, ladies, limit it to ten seconds tops. Obviously, do not kiss said animal, even if it's a puppy. You're only asking for trouble as the dog ages.

Men do not speak to their dogs except to yell Fetch! Men are evolved, while women are driving civilization backward. Cease.

Do not bring up man buns in this discussion. They scare me too.

Democrats

I used to be a Democrat. Believed in their programs and philosophy. No more. What a mess certain Democratically controlled cities have become. Especially Portland and NY.

I suppose I'm more of an Independent now. I reject the confusion and impotence of our present administration. I am not crazy about Joe Biden. The only female VP possibility I believe stands above the rest is Susan Rice. Biden would be better off asking Barack to be his running mate.

I am baffled by the popularity of AOC, who opens her mouth and sounds foolish. Her squad may be short term, as two members are being strongly challenged in reelection bids.

I think it is sad, but predictable, that Chinese-Americans are being assailed even though they had nothing to do with this pandemic. I also believe Antifa has used Black Lives Matter for its own anarchist agenda.

Dentist

I went to the dentist to get my teeth cleaned. They took my temp, told me to fill out two sheets outside. They would call me when ready. No one was allowed in the waiting room. After answering dozens of questions about every aspect of my health, using my own pen, wearing mask and gloves, I got the call.

The female worker led me inside for x-rays. Then a dentist went over the results, telling me I needed a crown on one tooth. He left.

The woman handed me a scraper, told me I had 15 minutes to clean my own teeth. This is the new normal. I did the best I could. After finishing, I asked what to do about the plaque on the paper towel next to me. I was told that's my problem. Just remove it from the premises. They did give me a toothbrush and small tube of tooth paste.

Masks

Now we in Jersey are required to wear masks unless we can social distance. Seriously, considering all those I see without masks congregating in parks and in front of businesses, how is that going to be enforced? If no one is around and I'm exercise walking, I will drop my mask to my neck. I don't want to breathe in carbon dioxide all day, which can harm my lungs.

The bigger issue is the minority of people, mostly young and oblivious, who have been ignoring all warnings. Why should I have to pay for their recklessness?

Last week libraries and gyms were supposed to open. None of them are open with 90 degrees all week. Meanwhile, casinos and tattoo parlors are open. Nothing makes sense anymore.

Tacvisor

My Tacvisor finally was delivered. I saw the ad on TV. This sunlight blocker to be attached to your car visor was made by Bell & Howell, who used to make movie cameras.

For a long time it was out of stock. At $19.98 it seemed like a bargain. There's this one hill near me, in the morning the sun is brutal. It goes up a narrow two way street and several times I was literally blinded and had to pull over. I called their customer service number and after an excruciating 20 minute wait, the rep came on told me it was sent out that day. Six days later, the driver tossed it in front of my door.

I read the instructions, attached it on the first try and dared that sun to attack. So far, on a few occasions, at dusk, it has done the job. Now I want to see it perform at 8am as I drive up that hill into blazing sunlight.

Printer Madness

My printer has had a nervous breakdown. A few days ago it would not print from my laptop. So now I have a Geek Squad guy coming over tomorrow. But this afernoon, I turned on my laptop in the living room and suddenly it began printing out coupons I tried to access.. The same coupon, over and over. Then it printed out all the stored up documents. I couldn't stop it. I hit cancel, but that only worked temporarily.

I should be happy, but I'm condused Then I keep getting the message, scan to computer no longer activated. I don't remember deactivating it.

Figuring I needed a new printer, I spent $170 at Staples for a later model HP Envy. I will tell the tech to uninstall my Kodak printer from my other laptop, the one where after 12 sheets I run oiut of ink. I want him to connect my new printer with that laptop even though I hardly ever print anything from there.

I am losing control of my devices.

Marching

I have to say it upsets me when protest marchers block major highways. What happens if an ambulance or police car has to get through? Or if a pregnant woman is being driven to the hospital by an already nervous father? No possible way they can turn back.

Despite denials by blacks, most of the looting was done by locals, organized gangs using sophisticated methods. Many of the stores were owned by minorities. The looters could care less. Nor did they give a damn about another black man killed by cops.

How can anyone not be disgusted by the destruction? Guliani claims none of this would have happened if he were mayor. I won't dispute that.

As far as that 75 year old man who was pushed by two cops, fell backwards and injured his head, what was he doing even approaching riot police in full gear and hyped up? Unless you're lost or suffering and need an ambulance, you do not approach cops. They are not your buddies.

35mm film

I was going through old 35mm photos I took years ago before digital and man were they much clearer than my digital shots.
I did some checking sand found several places including Walmart that still send out 35mm film. B&H photo in NY still sells it, so you figure they develop it.
The sad part is several years ago I tossed out hundreds of undeveloped film because I simply could not afford the process. I still have a bucket full of them and plan to gradually get those developed if that is still possible. It will be interesting to see what is on those rolls.
One thing that jumped out as I went through thousands of shots--I really did travel around to all sorts of events with my camera, something I've cut back on. There's a whole history in those boxes of photos.

Old Letters

I'm going through hundreds of old letters and cards and am shocked to realize I don't remember who any of these people are. At one time they must have been part of my life. Return addresses range over many states. I used to travel a lot and establish pen pals. Ancient history.
Before the internet people did write each other. Sometimes they included photos. Along with the correspondence, I discovered dozens of cards from venues I had visited, as well as reminders from musicians I had written about. Amazing how many of them fell by the wayside, even the talented ones.
With this pandemic , I'm trying to stay occupied. That's why I shaved my head. Boy, do I look fierce.

Lines

Lines everywhere.
The Target line is full of fidgety kids and teens on their phones forgetting to move ahead. The Walmart line is stacked with New Yorkers because they don't have one. The line to the bank is all cars and impatient drivers. The Big Lots line just stopped moving for no reason. Invariably, the person controlling admittance is some kid power hungry.
At least I can listen to conversations. That reinforces my contention that maybe one out of 20 people have something interesting to say.
Sometimes there are no baskets available and it's too late to go back and get a cart. So I carry all my items, which is not pretty. Toilet paper seems to pop out of my grip and roll away.
There will probably be a line to my doctor's office so I'll hear all about ailments and diseases. The famous never wait in line. If Jimmy Fallon had to put up with what the rest of us do, that smile would leave his face pretty quick.

Blood Test

I finally got tested by Quest Diagnostics at the request of my doctor. I recovered five weeks ago. I did test positive. I knew I had it. No flu ever did those things to me, made me that weak.
Now what? Do I still have anti bodies or have they trickled away? I did put back all the weight I lost, which annoys me. I hope I don't have to get swabbed. My sinus problems are legendary. Don't need some stick shoved up there.
A homeless guy asked me for money as I sat in my car reading. I waved him off. You give it one day and they're right back the next. I guess I've grown hardened by life. I help those who help themselves.
Right now I'm keeping busy and don't miss face to face contact. Since retirement 14 years ago, I've been in contact with 200-300 peoiple every month.
Time to take a break.

Virus Bucket List

Shave head
Get tested for anti-bodies
Try to monetize anti-bodies
Reassure people I'm recovered
Stop stress eating at night!
Figure out how to open printer to change cartridge
Debate whether to grow beard and stash
Check shaved head for missed spots
Get new welcome mat
Clean out storage space next to bathroom
Test new upgraded flashlight
Buy new boxer underwear
Clip toenails
Clean out potato chips from recliner
Pick up prescriptions
Try opening a book
Try painting something
Walk for one full hour
Take a nap

Haircut

My barber is closed due to the virus. My scraggly hair was becoming more annoying. So I took action. I used the trimmer on my electric razor to shave most of my sides. Then the battery went dead. Also, I realized I have no hand mirror to monitor the back. I charged my razor and as soon as I finish typing, I'm heading out to find a hand mirror.
I really enjoy rubbing my freshly shaved head. It helps that I have a perfectly shaped noggin.Years ago I got over my oversized ears. I think they are a sign of intellectual development.
I swept up the cut hair, noting how much less there was than when I was young. I can still grow a beard and mustache. Optimism drives me forward.

Courage

Ice berg lettuce, carrots, green pepper, cucumber, celery, black olives, bacon bits, artichoke hearts, croissants, tomatoes, dressing. These comprise my salad. Up until now.
After some serious thought, I've decided to throw caution to the wind and add red cabbage.
Will it cause gas? Possibly. But I am convinced my Italian croissants will somehow band together in my stomach and block its release. No scientific evidence, just a strong hunch.
Even in these chaotic times, I continue to challenge my creativity, stepping fearlessly into the Unknown.
Churchill said it best--"Courage!"

Zombie Afternoons

I do my walks in the afternoons, usually on commercials streets, sometimes by the waterfront. The parks are closed.
Yesterday, hundreds were out by the water, Hudson River. I keep to the right, head down, mask sliding a bit. I make some contact, noting all the couples. I haven't spoken to anyone in days.
The cyclists speed past, a bit recklessly I think, but I'm old. When my 50 minute walk is done, I choose a bench and read my book. A young woman wearing a face shield passes and is stopped by several women on the bench next to me. They ask where she got it and she informs them One Nation, com One woman takes her picture. I make a note to look it up. That shield is damn impressive.
After an hour of reading I head into the nearby Acme and buy a carton of slaw. The brand is Grandpa's Cole Slaw.
It's not bad, but not on the level of Thumans. Shoprite has their own decent brand. The worst and cheapest is Walmart's brand. No depth. Slaw needs depth.
The Zombie atmosphere is broken up by actual conversation. People are talking to each other.
It's a start.
Later, I can't find that shield company. Maybe it's for the best. I might have gotten claustrophobic.

Homeless

Dunkin' Donuts
Just want an ice tea
Homeless disheveled woman follows me inside
Crowding me, ignoring six feet apart rule
Wants to engage, I cross my arms over my chest
Look down while some guy complains about
A tiny dog allowed inside
He turns and offers homeless lady coffee and muffin
She thanks him many times, engages with a new guy
Counter girl tells her she can't stay
Woman screams at her
It's the rules, she is told
Moments later, I see her across the street next to her pile of bags
It will rain later
Where will she go?

Notes

Slight fever, eight straight days, call dr., diagnoses of virus, not flu, pick up Z pack.
Weak, tired, sweats, chills, shaking up to half hour, serious runs, weight loss.
Take shower, towel off, sudden loss of balance, fall back into tub, crack head against wall.
Lay there minutes, try to pull up on grab bar, too weak, heart pounding.
Deep breath, one final yank does it, land on floor, gasping, get up, finish drying off.
Drink water, sleep, listen to politician speeches, Tylenol every six hours.
Phone rings, too tired to answer, get on laptop, notify friends, no appitite, sugar too low.
Nephew brings bags of food, takes an hour to put everything away, begin eating again.
Days pass, no fever, feeling stronger, begin light exercise and stretching.
Force oneself to go out to CVS and Shoprite and bank.
Neck and shoulders ache possibly from head hitting wall, continue exercising, TV binge.
Nine days after fever gone decide to go for walk, very slow, deliberate.
Each day extend walk until one hour, sit in car read paper, sip coffee, weather miserable.
Regain some weight and spend more time posting on Facebook.Sneezing and nose inflammation, possible allergies.
Damn, I wish gym was open.

Virus

Fever
Weak
Tired
Sweats
Shivers
No appetite
Isolation
Breathless
Insomnia
Weight loss
Diarhea
Mystery
No test
Dry Mouth
Fight

Guppy

Stand strong upon the bow
Chained to the deck
Ocean spray splashed over your fiery expression
Make a fist and defy the gods
Chomp down on the challenge
As the crew watches in awe
The sun bursts through fog
Blisters on hands explode
Casting your line and waiting
The yank from hell
Monster below answers your challenge
The battle will last for hours
You are Lars Larsen of Denmark
Famed hunter of guppies
The Guppy Granddaddy spits in your face
The conquest begins

I Got Junk

Too much belly junk. Get away pizza!
Hundreds of VHS tapes in my garage not even the Salvation Army would take. My abstract paintings take up much space. I think they are provocative in color, shape and texture. I seem to be alone in this belief.
My art is not junk.
Yesterday I tossed six pairs of socks, a lamp, a TV stand, a bookcase and a chair into the dumpster.
Yes, I can de-clutter with the best of them.
But I spotted a perfectly good piece of luggage and almost clean shower curtains, which I brought back to my condo.
I am getting rid of this dad body once and for all. That chocolate pudding in the back of my refrigerator will remain right there. But all the old phone books get tossed. I am keeping my hair dryer in case they come up with a genuine hair regrowth system. I will never throw away hope.

Escape from Words

I wish I could escape my own harsh, nasty words. The snide remarks, the gossip, the dark humor. I curse my inability to use big words. My tiny one syllable words are embarrassing.
Words. In a strange bathroom stall you encounter a request to engage in a certain act with a sea horse. Too many words attacking my laptop. A sale on fishnet stockings? How did they know?
Announcements on NY subways that sound like they were recorded inside a bowl of soup. Toddlers begin with the questions on everything. Parents sob in frustration.
We need quotas, especially on politicians.
I will never yell fire in a crowded theater. Patrons would be too busy yakking away to hear anyway.

Ordinary Beauty

I sit on the edge of my bed, staring at three weeks worth of toenail clippings.I see beauty in their soft curl. A village of my former body parts before I cut them off. The mystery of the ephemeral nature of being human.
I pluck out my navel lint and feel its texture. I place it in a drawer with piles of other lint from days gone by.
Someone bashes their head against the roof of their car and staggers to the ground. Lovely. Someone loses control of their walker, which slams into another on his phone, sending it flying off through a sewer grate. A harsh dance of fortune.
Study the perfect symnetry of a bed bug, the ability to crawl into your tiniest orifices.
I want to jump a fence at the zoo and hug a ground sloth. A camel's drool and its pungent aroma are just as beautiful as a sunset.
I must stop and scratch myself. It's just bed bugs doing their job.

I Am Here

Where the hell are you? I'm waiting 45 minutes in a soaking rain here. No call, no text. I could have had someone else pick me up. People like me. They give me massages.
You never laugh at my jokes. My humorous essays have been published. I have a well respected blog. You are a dog walker. You ramble when you talk.
I am a quality person full of compassion. I would never let you stand in the rain. My battery is running low, so I will click off.
Wait. A text. What?? I specifically said Randolph Street, not Rudolf Street. Maybe I got the two mixed up. I'm human.
So you're on your way. I'm right here on the corner without an umbrella, getting soaked.
Did you pick up beer?

Big Spender

He has a huge mower, ridiculous for the size of the lawn. Benny has the largest goldfish bowl in the city. Two trucks in the driveway. Top of the line home entertainment system. The biggest fireplace I've ever seen.
His chainsaw could take down a redwood. He tips the mailman $75 on holidays. Strings 3000 lights outside. He's an investment big shot. The bling on his wife is blinding. She probably has 50 pairs of shoes.
His dog is a mean wolfhound that makes pedestrians cross the street.
I think he must have a tiny penis.
There's a rumor he might buy our library  and turn it into a dance studio. All his moves are exaggerated on the dance floor.
I'll bet I have way more chest hair.

Mud

I told her don't do it. The mud is too deep. Of course she ignored me, idiot husband. Here we were in our Civic spinning our wheels splashing mud. We were on our way to the mall and Old Navy, which had a 40% off sale. Francine worships that store.
She got out of the car. Mud up to her ankles. You're nuts, I said. The sale ends in two hours, she replied. Come back here, I yelled, as her figure drifted away in the fog. Call 911, she shouted. I am on a mission.
Our marriage is on the brink, I yelled. She plowed ahead. I called 911. They came and towed me out.
You saw the rest on the news. They found her a hundred meters from the parking lot. She was up to her shoulders in mud. Forest creatures had eaten much of her head. Someone on Twitter wrote she resembled an aspargus. I'll find the bastard and sue.
The car is still being fixed. Don't ask about the bill. I know I'll miss her. Her Old Navy outfits are going to Salvation Army.

Cycling

Rich lay on his stomach, trying to get comfortable. No one down there would be able to trace his presence. Kids in school hated him. Maybe it was the large growth on his forehead. He made a fool of himself in gym rope climbing class.  Out of pity, the Scouts awarded him a merit badge for walnut cracking.
This was the yearly student 150 mile cycling competition and he would finally get his revenge, using his BB gun.
Here they came, flying around the turn, right into view. Ping! Ping! Ping! One after another lost control and crashed. He kept firing away until he felt a sharp pain in his shoulder. Directly across from him on another hill, Sally Quist, another outcast, a girl with several webbed toes, a girl Rich had snubbed when she asked if he'd take her to the prom, now she had him in her sights. Ping! Right smack in his forehead growth. Rich rolled over in pain.
Revenge comes when you least expect it.

Guacamole Dip

Einstein, for all his brilliance, could not create decent guacamole dip. It just lay in the bowl without character. He added spices that only made him sneeze. Poached eggs, beef stew, no problem. But unless he could decipher the mystery of this dip, his Superbowl party would die.
Not even Cran-apple juice could save him.
At the blackboard he tried various calculations, cursing his ineptitude. He much preferred soccer to American football anyway.
He lay in bed filled with worry. Then, like a lightning bolt, it hit him. Deviled eggs! He went on You Tube and watched a how to video. He worked like a madman, created 300 deviled eggs. He tried a few. Delicious!
The fact that he passed wind did not bother him a bit. When guests arrived, he would open all the windows.

Robot

I did not sign up for this. Cleaning, pressing his clothes, garbage take out, that's what I'm coded for. He says he's a writer. Paces the floor. Wears suspenders. What I don't see is him writing.
Wilma wound up with an opera singer--at least she gets to hear music. I've only seen this guy in his underwear one time. Last week he hosted a session for his writer friends. What nonsense. Even robots know a mixed metaphor, a dangling particle, a run on sentence.
After each of them read, they stood and did the hokey pokey. Now this idiot is trying to teach me this stupid dance.
I need to contact my union rep. If he tries to tango with me I'll knee him in the groin.

Stampede

How did we wind up like this, Bernie asked Cecil.
Keep moving!
They sped up. I'm tired and thirsty, one of them said. Harriet angled over, coughing on dust. I have a bad feeling about this, she gasped.
Where are we going, George bellowed. Leaders pushed them harder. Hour after hour. Finally they took a break. We need a plan, Bernie thought. What if we charge the horses and scare them off? Then he realized the men had guns and it might be suicide.
A word popped into his head--stampede. He passed the word on to the others, who had no idea what it meant. Confusion reigned. They finally understood the object was to rumble off in all directions at once.
Unfortunately, Ned was in the front and he was the clumsiest of all. He tripped over his own hooves and fell. The others fell over him into a pile. Cowboys cursed them and let the whips fly. Bernie and Cecil were on the bottom, cursing their lives.
Sally, always the optimist, suggested the real purpose of this cattle drive was to get them in shape for the cattle Olympics.
We need another plan, Bernie moaned.

Race Track

I used to go to the track and bet five horses to win. This strategy cost me money because unless the winner paid over ten dollars, I was in the negative.
I just wanted to feel the rush of winning. On the last race of the day, behind $23, I bet 8 of the ten horses to win. I did win, but it paid only $4. I lost $12 on that race.
Stupid, I know. Guys like me should stay away from the track. But this was money I earned as a Chippendale's dancer. Easy come, easy go. One second some woman is stuffing a twenty down my thong, the next it is blown at the track.

Pogo

Alice and Fran were doing their weekly Saturday pogo stick journey through town. As they bounced, Alice revealed she read something in a medical journal. Researchers were working on a new vibrator which could not only cause orgasms, but impregnate women. Fran said if that's the case who needs men?
They hopped around a corner and saw two muscular men unloading a truck. Maybe we spoke too soon, Alice said. One of the men made a sexist remark as they women hopped past.
You're on borrowed time, Alice yelled as they pogoed off to lunch.

The Host

Joe offered to host our writing group. He is big hearted, impossible not to like. We had never been to his condo. He opened the door wearing his usual huge smile The place smelled of pepper jack cheese. Piles of nail clippings and navel lint covered the floor. Refreshments were stale pork rinds and coffee that tasted like nursing home bath water..For no reason, Joe yodeled at regular intervals. His bathroom door was open. We kept our distance. Joe asked for quarters for the washer. He was out of clean underwear.
Mary had to use the bathroom. Seconds later, we heard screams. Joe admitted there was a plumbing problem.
Afterward, we shook hands at the door. Outside, the police were arresting some guy who may have slugged a family member. On each of our cars a business card was stuck on the wiper advertising hookah pipes.
I really enjoyed Joe's turtle paintings, but his asking price was out of my range.

What Will Be

None of us know the future. Who can say which 401k will prosper? Praying will not help. God is busy sprucing up aging galaxies.
I asume she will finish her quish. But suppose a provacative thought occurs and she forgets about it? Could I snatch it from her? Am I quick enough? The others are preoccupied. Their reflexes lack quickness.
Es=astern philosophy addresses what will be. Stay in the moment. This moment I'm damned hungry. I need to expand my horizons like my belly is expanding with starvation. The guy next to me is getting angry voicemails. Maybe if he gets up to respond, I'll grab his egg in a mug.
In college, I failed ethics.

Things We Decorate

windows
small pets
infants
cars
skin
buildings
classrooms
laptops
resume
lawns
billboards
trees
elderly people
dinner tables
store fronts
uniforms
walls
gardens
sneakers
socks
sales pitches
Martha Stewart

Fallow

Sunlight bakes his skin
Shampoo searches for follicles
Lice want camoulflage
Insect bites swell
Reflection blind dinner parties
Nothing to ruffle
To caress, to smell, to style
Sweat glistens unashamedly
Cursing genetics
Worships Fabio

Deal With It

Buzzing phones during movies and plays
Tall people arriving late and blocking views
Slurpers. Too much chest hair.
Those who just will not shut up
Horn beepers one second after the light turns green
Fast typers and dictators who must control seating
Dirty curtains
Those with perfect posture who flaunt it
Huggers who hug everyone
Hemp and chia seeds
Feuding parrots
Standing room on buses
Death by avalanche
Feet photos on Facebook
People who grouse about everything
Pointless sentences
Exposed butt cracks
Pandemics

Six Words

Things in six words--

Dogs licking you without warning
Underwear that clings right into wedgie
Endless applause following my open mikes
Waffle fries and honey mustard combos
Soap slivers that just pile up
Clock radios I can set quickly
Thin mucus flowing through sinus openings
The elimination of all toenail fungus
Tulips that bloom all year long
An epic poem about my aura
Colorful seashells you can munch on
Bird poop that can be recycled

Stars Align

I got my favorite librarian a lavender cashmere scarf. She never wears it, not even in frigid weather. There was a fire drill and we had to evacuate. I waited for her outside, heart pounding. She emerges with her coat buttoned up to the top--no scarf.
The stars never align for me. By the time I acquired the charm, wit, confidence and vocabulary to bowl women over, my hair was gone and my neck resembles a bombed out mountainside. No one cares how elegant I look in plaid. Young people offer me their seat on buses. You say, see, the stars have aligned. I say, shoot me now and get it over with.

Axe to Grind

When have I ever mistreated any of you? If you had an axe to grind, you should have aired things out with me. I put Ollie in there to stave off boredom on my part. You find each other endlessly fascinating. I do not. You stare at me with those bulging eyes and I have to look away. I add something to your lives and instead of embracing him, you did what you did.
You ravaged poor Ollie, a harmless turtle, acted like he was invading your stupid tank. I can see bits of shell lying on the bottom among the pebbles. I remind you, that tank, pebbles, and water belong to me. I can barely imagine the horror of that tiny creature as you vicious thugs tore at his head and extremities.
I can only assume somewhere in your past a snapper turtle gobbled up a friend or relative and this was your revenge. Think about what you've done while I withhold feedings and maybe pour diet Snapple into your home. Better yet--hot cider.

Abandoned

Years ago I was using Windows XL. I got an email telling me Microsoft no longer would send updates to that model. Tech people warned me not to use it for security's sake.
I had to upgrade to Windows 10 on a new laptop because downloading it onto Windows XL would cause my computer to crash, my garage to be set aflame and my water pipes to burst.
Now the same message has been sent to owners of Windows 7, but at least 10 can be safely downloaded onto that system.
Sometimes I hear a mournful whirring coming from my closet where I store Windows XL. It feels abandoned and I can't blame it.Change can be heartbreaking.

Fortune Teller

Francine the fortune teller had no insurance. She sat in emergency, suffering from depression. She lived in an area known for artists, musicians, dancers and writers. They came to her seeking hope for the future in their field. Time after time, all she saw was failure.
They slipped away, head down, distraught.
She explained to the nurse practitioner, it wasn't just that. It was images she saw focusing on what they would wind up doing their adult lives. Bowling teams, crossing guard, laundromat attendant, personal trainer, dog walker, real estate lawyer. When she related this to the nurse, that woman joined her in sobbing.

Criss Cross

Ben Franklin probably created the first crossword puzzle in his spare time. There were only 452 words in the English language back then.
Years later, engineers created criss- crossing traffic circles which drive motorists to the brink of breakdown. LA has mastered this phenomenon, leaving drivers in tears.
I believe God,out of boredom, uses a random criss cross method to decide who gets the flu, who stubs his toe, who suffers from regurgitation.
There is a  technique for hugging involving criss crossed arms, only practiced in Turkey after much repetition.
Line dancing involves lots of crossing steps. Astaire and Rogers criss crossed across the stage.
This whole thing is named after Christopher Columbus crossed the ocean to land in Delaware. Or was it South Carolina?

Naked Truth

What is the truth and what is fake news. If someone tells you something in confidence, then publicly says the opposite, do you betray his trust or reveal the truth for the greater good?
The press has been criticized for inventing stories, but don't those in the public arena manipulate news by picking sympathetic reporters?
Noted flash fiction author Joe Del Priore was caught on camera creating pornographic figures out of quick drying clay. He claimed he was experimenting with form. Is he lying? Or is this his own naked truth? Either way, the controversy has caused a surge in his book sales. Plus, his figures may be shown at MOMA in the spring.

Sibling Rivalry

The Smith Brothers had a serious sibling rivalry. They stood in their front yard as kids competing to see who could cough longest and loudest. Their family doctor said they had excess mucus and told them to drink water and use three pillows.
They synchronized their coughs to the point they gave concerts around town. As men, they decided to create a cough syrup beyond all others and they succeeded.
Now they are better know for cough drops. But the rivalry continued. They fought over who had the longest, thickest beard.
A billionaire bought their brand and went public. The stock stands at $457 a share.

Ghosted

She ghosted me. Never answered my emails. Okay. She has four published books on the INternet. I will buy each and review them. Not tearing them apart. Oh no, I will sneak in snark comments, little hints she lacks integrity, is not nearly as good as she thinks she is. And will tell her about the reviews and see if she contacts me disputing my comments. And I will laugh all night.
Ghosting is dsigusting.

Cut Off

The VW bug cut me off as I was leaving a gas station. That jerk was not in the right lane. He shot over from the center lane and missed my car by two feet at most. I hit the brakes and of course the idiot behind me slammed on his and beeped the horn like it was my fault. I beeped right back.
I hate dumb drivers who have no patience. I followed the VW into a parking lot. I should have gotten out and reamed the bastard. What's the point? An altercation ensues, cops are called, I wind up missing an important football game.
So I swallow my pride. At my age, it's so much easier to do.