She couldn't get her shoes on. This amazingly toned young woman plopped down next to me at Lincoln Center Friday night with these stylish purple strap on shoes and she couldn't figure how to get the straps untangled.
Her boyfriend stood there impatiently, making remarks like, "Don't ever buy those shoes again." The old guy to her right offered encouragement in Spanish. I just sat there checking out her calves. To her credit, she didn't lose her composure or yell at the boyfriend. When she finally got them on he announced that the ends of the back straps were too long, which they were, but with this woman's body, who cares?
Then she tossed her flip flops into his carry bag much to his dismay. "If you broke my sunglasses you're paying me $40." She did not reply. They went off to dance. I sat there with the old guy probably thinking the same thing--how did this princess get stuck with such a frog?
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Thursday, June 27, 2013
High School Reunions
I hated high school. I didn't fit in. There are about 10 million essays that began with those two sentences. I wasn't very good at anything. Average height and weight, average looks, average smarts. No performing talent, so so in sports. I had no group I hung out with. Ate lunch quietly in the library because I had no one to sit with in the cafeteria.
It was a good sized school and I just got lost in the maze.
Periodically, all these years later, I'm contacted by a couple of guys who did have a great time back then. They were always considered cool and only hung out with other cool people. They ask if I would like to meet them and another cool fellow for dinner. I always make an excuse. I don't go to any of the official reunions. Who needs to be reminded of a lousy time in one's life? I suppose in some ways we never leave high school. There's always going to be competition, but one presumably develops a thicker skin as one ages. Those four years of adolescence are raw emotion without a filter.
I know if I went they would mention their kids and grand kids and how well they're doing. They'll discuss their terrific careers and their investments and summer homes. And little by little I would slide back into the nonentity I was considered to be by these very same people back then.
So I keep my distance, keep moving forward. Keep publishing, hitting the gym, power walking away from those bad memories.
It was a good sized school and I just got lost in the maze.
Periodically, all these years later, I'm contacted by a couple of guys who did have a great time back then. They were always considered cool and only hung out with other cool people. They ask if I would like to meet them and another cool fellow for dinner. I always make an excuse. I don't go to any of the official reunions. Who needs to be reminded of a lousy time in one's life? I suppose in some ways we never leave high school. There's always going to be competition, but one presumably develops a thicker skin as one ages. Those four years of adolescence are raw emotion without a filter.
I know if I went they would mention their kids and grand kids and how well they're doing. They'll discuss their terrific careers and their investments and summer homes. And little by little I would slide back into the nonentity I was considered to be by these very same people back then.
So I keep my distance, keep moving forward. Keep publishing, hitting the gym, power walking away from those bad memories.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Falling Down
I fell out of a tow truck last night. My car wouldn't start and I called AAA. Within a half hour someone showed and tested my battery. No luck. The starter was gone. This happened before and there's never a warning.
I had a heckuva time climbing into his truck. It must have been three feet off the ground. Unfortunately, when we got to the closed gas station and he jumped out to unhook the car, I also jumped out. And kept going. I hit the ground all wrong, rammed my whole body weight into my right shoulder. He didn't see it and I was too embarrassed to tell him.
I had x-rays on that shoulder three days before because of continuing pain. I was waiting for the results when this happened. Now I can hardly move my arm without pain. I sense an MRI is in my future, followed by weeks of rehab.
What if I can't write my blog? Or dress myself? Take a shower? This is wonderful. Just in time for the publication of my new book, The Story Eaters.
I hate my car. Hate my shoulder. Hate my stinking luck. Old men falling down is a You Tube video waiting to happen.
I had a heckuva time climbing into his truck. It must have been three feet off the ground. Unfortunately, when we got to the closed gas station and he jumped out to unhook the car, I also jumped out. And kept going. I hit the ground all wrong, rammed my whole body weight into my right shoulder. He didn't see it and I was too embarrassed to tell him.
I had x-rays on that shoulder three days before because of continuing pain. I was waiting for the results when this happened. Now I can hardly move my arm without pain. I sense an MRI is in my future, followed by weeks of rehab.
What if I can't write my blog? Or dress myself? Take a shower? This is wonderful. Just in time for the publication of my new book, The Story Eaters.
I hate my car. Hate my shoulder. Hate my stinking luck. Old men falling down is a You Tube video waiting to happen.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
No Parking
There is no parking anywhere anymore. I tried downtown Jersey City where a free concert was happening. Even heard the music as I circled around and around. Gave up, drove to Hoboken, saw there was neither a concert nor parking, not even a whiff. Store lots now post large tow away signs and I can't chance that just to walk around The Mile Square City aimlessly. So I drove to Weehawken, thinking I could use the beautiful waterfront track to get in power walking. I almost didn't nail a spot there either until miraculously one appeared at the very end of the lot.
But unless you're a resident you can't park there until 8pm. It was 750, so I decided to chance it. The view of NYC is incredible. Soccer players practiced while others walked and jogged. No riff raff, no drinking or loitering. Families enjoying the evening while an adult softball game went on next to us.
Hudson County has lots of quality stuff in spring and summer, much of it free. But the damn parking situation stinks. Maybe I'll invest in a bike. Then I would finally have an excuse to wear Spandex.
But unless you're a resident you can't park there until 8pm. It was 750, so I decided to chance it. The view of NYC is incredible. Soccer players practiced while others walked and jogged. No riff raff, no drinking or loitering. Families enjoying the evening while an adult softball game went on next to us.
Hudson County has lots of quality stuff in spring and summer, much of it free. But the damn parking situation stinks. Maybe I'll invest in a bike. Then I would finally have an excuse to wear Spandex.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Puddles
I sit in Wendy's watching the rain. It is still light and I've just finished food shopping at Walmart. I have a cup of coffee and fries in front of me. I'm reading last Sunday's Times, an article on Melissa McCarthy. Before the puddles get too deep, I'll head home, put the food away, sweep the floor, check my email, relax until the NBA finals come on at 9.
I just downsized my cable plan to save money. Lots of channels I never watched are gone. Someone found my cell phone, which I had lost the day before. I'm told I am eligible for an upgrade. If I get an expensive one I know I'll lose it. I had to pay Staples $20 to eliminate a website that blocked my email.
I don't finish the McCarthy article. Instead, I fantasize about my acceptance speech after winning an Oscar for best original screenplay. I will be concise, witty, sharp. Beautiful actresses will smile and applaud. Everyone will want me to sit with them at the Governor's Ball afterward. I will choose Rooney Mara, who I find strangely attractive. Our eyes will meet, sending secret messages. I will leave New Jersey for Hollywood.
Two guys in the next booth are speaking loudly in Spanish. I snap out of it, toss my garbage away, gather my newspaper and umbrella and head back out into the storm. At least I can see the puddles before they trap me.
I just downsized my cable plan to save money. Lots of channels I never watched are gone. Someone found my cell phone, which I had lost the day before. I'm told I am eligible for an upgrade. If I get an expensive one I know I'll lose it. I had to pay Staples $20 to eliminate a website that blocked my email.
I don't finish the McCarthy article. Instead, I fantasize about my acceptance speech after winning an Oscar for best original screenplay. I will be concise, witty, sharp. Beautiful actresses will smile and applaud. Everyone will want me to sit with them at the Governor's Ball afterward. I will choose Rooney Mara, who I find strangely attractive. Our eyes will meet, sending secret messages. I will leave New Jersey for Hollywood.
Two guys in the next booth are speaking loudly in Spanish. I snap out of it, toss my garbage away, gather my newspaper and umbrella and head back out into the storm. At least I can see the puddles before they trap me.
Monday, June 17, 2013
Cable Madness
This last one is enough. I'm not playing this game anymore. My cable company sent me its latest notice. I am to receive the following channels in my package for an extra $6 a month: Bloomberg TV- a 24 hour business network, Boomerang-a kids channel (I have no kids), the Crime & Investigation Network, which dramatizes forensic science, like having five CSI shows isn't enough, C-Span 3, focusing on American political history, which is more depressing than the business channel, Reelz Channel, all about movies, celebrities, fashion, music and stories behind the stories. What stories? They're all rich, crazy, drugged up and indifferent to my problems. H2, offering historical documentaries including Ancient Aliens, Modern Marvels and The Universe. Hose me down please.
I will never watch any of these channels. I am tired of these ridiculous increases. I said that to the sympathetic clerk at their office. She didn't argue the point. I guess I looked downtrodden. In minutes she downgraded my package and saved me at least $65 a month. But I will no longer get ESPN or E!. I was getting tired of the X Games and Chelsea Handler anyway. More time to read and meet friends. Now I have to find friends.
I will never watch any of these channels. I am tired of these ridiculous increases. I said that to the sympathetic clerk at their office. She didn't argue the point. I guess I looked downtrodden. In minutes she downgraded my package and saved me at least $65 a month. But I will no longer get ESPN or E!. I was getting tired of the X Games and Chelsea Handler anyway. More time to read and meet friends. Now I have to find friends.
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Father's Day
My father died almost 30 years ago. Lung cancer that spread. Horrible. He never got a chance to take my mother to Hawaii. We got into some arguments, but overall I got along okay with him. I was the oldest and I guess he expected more of me than the others. I had a degree, knocked around at various jobs through most of my twenties until finally landing in the Post Office as a career. By that time he was just happy I had security.
He was on the small side and was sometimes mistaken for Yankee short stop Phil Rizzuto. He spent most of his free time at a tavern and that's where he found his friends. In the prime of life he hurt his back working for A&P. He got screwed on the settlement and my mother had to go to work to help out. Eventually a neighbor gave him a job as an auto mechanic at his gas station. Then my father wound up his life in the Post Office as a clerk.
He was in WWII in Europe. I have his photo with him in uniform. Tomorrow I'll put a flower on his grave. I still have his battered old fedora. Though he never made it past 64, the man had a full life. Just wish it were longer.
He was on the small side and was sometimes mistaken for Yankee short stop Phil Rizzuto. He spent most of his free time at a tavern and that's where he found his friends. In the prime of life he hurt his back working for A&P. He got screwed on the settlement and my mother had to go to work to help out. Eventually a neighbor gave him a job as an auto mechanic at his gas station. Then my father wound up his life in the Post Office as a clerk.
He was in WWII in Europe. I have his photo with him in uniform. Tomorrow I'll put a flower on his grave. I still have his battered old fedora. Though he never made it past 64, the man had a full life. Just wish it were longer.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Twenty Two Authors
There were 22 authors at the Hoboken Book Fair. Some of us read to basically each other. A few family members showed. Free breakfast and lunch made up for a lot. I spoke to some old friends, made a few new ones. Everything was very civil.
The keynote speaker wrote a cookbook and was by far the most popular writer there. What can you do? People value food over good literature. I put my books on a table, asked a volunteer to watch them and took off to Dunkin Donuts for an hour. Sometimes you just get sick of talking about yourself.
I didn't sell any books, keeping my record at book fairs intact. My books have colorful, eerie covers, irresistible in my opinion. Evidently others disagreed.
It didn't rain, no one threw up, there were no fist fights, no drunkenness. I got an ID tag, which I wear all the time. It has my name and Author underneath. I also received a placard with my bio. Very classy.
You know, I really feel like a writer. Wish I could autograph this blog for you.
The keynote speaker wrote a cookbook and was by far the most popular writer there. What can you do? People value food over good literature. I put my books on a table, asked a volunteer to watch them and took off to Dunkin Donuts for an hour. Sometimes you just get sick of talking about yourself.
I didn't sell any books, keeping my record at book fairs intact. My books have colorful, eerie covers, irresistible in my opinion. Evidently others disagreed.
It didn't rain, no one threw up, there were no fist fights, no drunkenness. I got an ID tag, which I wear all the time. It has my name and Author underneath. I also received a placard with my bio. Very classy.
You know, I really feel like a writer. Wish I could autograph this blog for you.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Caged
I'm watching this movie, Caged from 1950 in B&W. It stars Eleanor Parker and some of the toughest women ever seen on the screen. She's imprisoned as an accessory in a robbery and her innocence is gradually destroyed. A matron named Evelyn Harper shaves off her hair as punishment. There's lots of tough talk, screaming, sobbing and pleading.
What we need right now is a good women in prison movie. Natalie Portman can play the Parker role. Wait. She has just returned from the hospital, a blank woman, emotionless, but somewhere in there a tough, enraged creature throbs. I sense there will be revenge coming. B&W sure adds an edge to everything. Uh oh! The mean matron has just been stabbed by Parker!
"Kindly omit the flowers," is all she says.
This is so much better than Superman.
What we need right now is a good women in prison movie. Natalie Portman can play the Parker role. Wait. She has just returned from the hospital, a blank woman, emotionless, but somewhere in there a tough, enraged creature throbs. I sense there will be revenge coming. B&W sure adds an edge to everything. Uh oh! The mean matron has just been stabbed by Parker!
"Kindly omit the flowers," is all she says.
This is so much better than Superman.
Friday, June 7, 2013
Rain
Rain
A lost day is a lost day
Getting wet isn't the issue
Flooding is not what bothers me
There is something frightening in watching rainfall
What upsets me are all the singles
Crowding into places and ordering coffee
Spending hours reading papers, typing, texting
Sitting in my seat, doing exactly what I do every day
Even in sunshine
None of us can deal with staying inside
During a monsoon
We eat and nap and watch old movies
And at some point panic sets in
As we contemplate our lives
Falling short of whatever plans we made
Wondering what some long ago love is doing
As the drops ping on our roof
Splat, splat, splat
A life running off toward gutters
A lost day is a lost day
Getting wet isn't the issue
Flooding is not what bothers me
There is something frightening in watching rainfall
What upsets me are all the singles
Crowding into places and ordering coffee
Spending hours reading papers, typing, texting
Sitting in my seat, doing exactly what I do every day
Even in sunshine
None of us can deal with staying inside
During a monsoon
We eat and nap and watch old movies
And at some point panic sets in
As we contemplate our lives
Falling short of whatever plans we made
Wondering what some long ago love is doing
As the drops ping on our roof
Splat, splat, splat
A life running off toward gutters
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Book Four
The Story Eaters--Switchblade Stories 4 is close to being published. Although I included the usual 40 pieces, the book is slimmer than the previous three. Doesn't mean the quality isn't high level. These are stories that will make you laugh and keep you awake.
I plan on 15 collections altogether and most of them are written. If it weren't for Create Space I never could afford to self publish all of them, not to mention the dozen volumes of my other writing. I'm not 25 anymore and my priority is to get this stuff out before I depart.
I've gotten good feedback on the other books from all ages. Flash fiction is a popular genre that most publications seek. I think it's at least as popular as poetry, and may have surpassed the traditional short story. The great thing about this genre is if you don't care for one, it is over in minutes and you start another. Like White Castle sliders.
Check out my work on Amazon and if you get one and wish to review it, I'd appreciate it.
This has been a public service announcement. We now resume our normal blog absurdity.
I plan on 15 collections altogether and most of them are written. If it weren't for Create Space I never could afford to self publish all of them, not to mention the dozen volumes of my other writing. I'm not 25 anymore and my priority is to get this stuff out before I depart.
I've gotten good feedback on the other books from all ages. Flash fiction is a popular genre that most publications seek. I think it's at least as popular as poetry, and may have surpassed the traditional short story. The great thing about this genre is if you don't care for one, it is over in minutes and you start another. Like White Castle sliders.
Check out my work on Amazon and if you get one and wish to review it, I'd appreciate it.
This has been a public service announcement. We now resume our normal blog absurdity.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Upcoming Book Fair
This Saturday I am participating in a local book fair again. The last one, two months ago, resulted in zero sales. It is supposed to rain most of the day. I will not get my hopes up this time. They are providing free breakfast and lunch. Tell you what. If I show up and they tell me it's cancelled due to weather, they'd better still come up with the food. Plus I'm promised a parking pass, which I will keep and use for the next five years.
All of us authors set up our books and posters wearing hopeful expressions. We psyche ourselves up to talk to interested readers, intellectuals, students seeking discovery. Usually all we get are tired parents with bored kids and oldies with no discretionary income who are just looking to talk to someone. And talk and talk.
There are going to be tents, which will help. I'm scheduled to read from my work, which is always difficult. I need to practice breath control. I will wear a wrinkle free shirt and clean socks. I will smell good. So will my books.
So come to Hoboken on Saturday and if you have a nice smile I may share my breakfast with you. Not lunch, never lunch.
All of us authors set up our books and posters wearing hopeful expressions. We psyche ourselves up to talk to interested readers, intellectuals, students seeking discovery. Usually all we get are tired parents with bored kids and oldies with no discretionary income who are just looking to talk to someone. And talk and talk.
There are going to be tents, which will help. I'm scheduled to read from my work, which is always difficult. I need to practice breath control. I will wear a wrinkle free shirt and clean socks. I will smell good. So will my books.
So come to Hoboken on Saturday and if you have a nice smile I may share my breakfast with you. Not lunch, never lunch.
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Commencement Speech
Dear Graduates,
I am very honored to have been chosen to speak to you on this important day. As Chairman of Black Rock, a hedge fund controlling over one trillion dollars, I believe we are at the epicenter of the future. Not you, us.
I know each of you welcomes the challenge of finding your way and achieving your goals. None of you want to return home and live with your parents while you flip burgers for minimum wage. I would love to say the future is yours. That is nonsense. We at Black Rock purchased the future in a bloodless take over last month.
Are you afraid? Don't be. If you work hard and apply yourself, you can still buy decent furniture and clothes and vacation in Belmar. Not a bad life. Not my life, but you are not me.
If you decide not to accept the current distribution of wealth and stage protests, we will hire experienced mercenaries to pick you off one by one. Just kidding. See, we have a sense of humor.
Life is all about starting at the bottom and working your way up. I was the exception. I made my fortune by convincing people I saw opportunity where others didn't. They, in turn, saw fearlessness in my eyes. Plus I was wearing an Armani suit and a really expensive watch you will never afford.
Please hold your applause. Modesty becomes me.
I am very honored to have been chosen to speak to you on this important day. As Chairman of Black Rock, a hedge fund controlling over one trillion dollars, I believe we are at the epicenter of the future. Not you, us.
I know each of you welcomes the challenge of finding your way and achieving your goals. None of you want to return home and live with your parents while you flip burgers for minimum wage. I would love to say the future is yours. That is nonsense. We at Black Rock purchased the future in a bloodless take over last month.
Are you afraid? Don't be. If you work hard and apply yourself, you can still buy decent furniture and clothes and vacation in Belmar. Not a bad life. Not my life, but you are not me.
If you decide not to accept the current distribution of wealth and stage protests, we will hire experienced mercenaries to pick you off one by one. Just kidding. See, we have a sense of humor.
Life is all about starting at the bottom and working your way up. I was the exception. I made my fortune by convincing people I saw opportunity where others didn't. They, in turn, saw fearlessness in my eyes. Plus I was wearing an Armani suit and a really expensive watch you will never afford.
Please hold your applause. Modesty becomes me.
Off the Roof
Please get off the roof. I'm sorry I said some things and ignored your feelings. We were happy once, doing the hully gully on Saturday night at the rec center. Now all we do is fight.
Stomping on my tomato plants was low. Now you're up there threatening to plunge into my flower bed.
Be sensible. If you do that I'll set fire to your workbench, glue your gloves together, hide all the nails and screws. Not that I'm vindictive.
It's not too late to return to what we were. I still remember all the hully gully moves. Come on down, honey. Let's be a family again.
Stop! Don't do that. Put it away right now.
Nice. Wonderful. Peeing on my flowers is very productive. Say goodbye to your power saw. This negotiation is over.
What are you doing? Those are hully gully moves. On our roof with everyone watching. You really know how to push my buttons. Now I recall why I married you. All that boyish charm. Plus you're hung like a rhino.
Stomping on my tomato plants was low. Now you're up there threatening to plunge into my flower bed.
Be sensible. If you do that I'll set fire to your workbench, glue your gloves together, hide all the nails and screws. Not that I'm vindictive.
It's not too late to return to what we were. I still remember all the hully gully moves. Come on down, honey. Let's be a family again.
Stop! Don't do that. Put it away right now.
Nice. Wonderful. Peeing on my flowers is very productive. Say goodbye to your power saw. This negotiation is over.
What are you doing? Those are hully gully moves. On our roof with everyone watching. You really know how to push my buttons. Now I recall why I married you. All that boyish charm. Plus you're hung like a rhino.
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