Dear Graduates,
I am very honored to have been chosen to speak to you on this important day. As Chairman of Black Rock, a hedge fund controlling over one trillion dollars, I believe we are at the epicenter of the future. Not you, us.
I know each of you welcomes the challenge of finding your way and achieving your goals. None of you want to return home and live with your parents while you flip burgers for minimum wage. I would love to say the future is yours. That is nonsense. We at Black Rock purchased the future in a bloodless take over last month.
Are you afraid? Don't be. If you work hard and apply yourself, you can still buy decent furniture and clothes and vacation in Belmar. Not a bad life. Not my life, but you are not me.
If you decide not to accept the current distribution of wealth and stage protests, we will hire experienced mercenaries to pick you off one by one. Just kidding. See, we have a sense of humor.
Life is all about starting at the bottom and working your way up. I was the exception. I made my fortune by convincing people I saw opportunity where others didn't. They, in turn, saw fearlessness in my eyes. Plus I was wearing an Armani suit and a really expensive watch you will never afford.
Please hold your applause. Modesty becomes me.
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