Sunday, March 23, 2014

Mind Over Matter

Do not adopt a defeatist attitude when cleaning out the basement. Assess the amount and type of debris, calculate how much upper body strength you will need, and get organized.
FDR once said we have nothing to fear but our cataclysmic basement. The Pope has condemned messy cellars as Unchristian. I'm sure Kierkegaard had something to say about this subject. The guy never shut up.
Your first priority is finding any confused elderly relatives who may have wandered down there during a family event. Guide them up to fresh air and hydrate them. Don't be judgmental.
Remove the dust and mold from the pool table you stopped using after your wife kept beating you. Extract rusty air conditioners made in the sixties you never threw out because you wanted a backup. Free weights and the treadmill only make you feel guilty. Get a muscular teen to drag them upstairs for your next yard sale. Deflate your inflatable dolls. You've grown past that stage. The dart board has to be taken down or visitors will think you're a desperate loner.
Sell off your Ethel Merman records. Keep Sergio Franchi. Let neighborhood kids frolic in your spare tires. Any skeletal remnants should be buried quietly. Again, no judgment here.
If your back locks up it's probably because you actually haven't matured past the inflatable doll stage.

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