I have to keep sweeping and dusting and wiping and rearranging my sock and underwear drawer. I must exercise using my wrist roller, jump rope, free weights, stretch bands and squeezable tennis balls. I must do wash, lots of wash.
I have to keep busy because if I don't I'll start ruminating and then darkness sets in. I'll realize my image of myself doesn't correspond with reality. In fact, I'll begin analyzing reality, leading to more darkness. Failure, regrets, missed opportunities, anxiety that floats and pinches and settles in like an unwanted old high school acquaintance.
Introspection inevitably leads to self flagellation. Instead of deep insights, you end up battered.
So I keep moving. Clean out this closet. Line up my shoes and sneakers. Brush my teeth again. Check email. Maybe go for a walk. But wait, that can lead to ruminating and memories. Questions like, has God forgotten me?
If I were a dog I could spend hours just sniffing things and not have to think.
Could you possibly lift your arms for a moment so I can sniff your pits? I'll do the same for you.
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