I've Fallen

Is it time for me to get a Life Alert button? I live alone as a senior citizen. I don't know the people upstairs or next door. I certainly would not give them a spare key in case the mailman sees my mail piling up. My brother has a spare key, but he's usually out golfing. I could lose my balance and be unable to crawl or reach my phones or turn off Judge Judy. In essence I could be helpless, not unlike what happened several weeks ago when I threw out my back lifting weights.
I literally could not dress myself or shower. If I dropped something, it stayed there. The spasms were excruciating. I resembled several contestants on "So You Think You Can Dance." Stooped in front of my full length mirror, I grasped what it must be like to be Abe Vigoda. Somehow I eventually got clothes on, made it into my car and drove to the clinic. It was Sunday at 1230 and they wouldn't take me. They closed at 3. There was one stinking person waiting. I was in too much pain to argue, so I went home and took expired muscle relaxants and ibuprofen, which helped not one bit.
Next day I made it to emergency, where I received stronger meds from a doctor who looked like Josh Groban, but it wasn't until I went to my orthopedic doctor who looks like Sissy Spacek and gave me even stronger meds that I began to feel relief. Five visits to my chiropractor, who resembles a large pear, completed the treatment. I have resumed my exercise regimen, but now I'm using a heavy belt for support. I look like a WWF champion. This Life Alert button would help me in any emergency, including falls, CO gas release, other medical situations and invasion. I guess if aliens breech my living quarters I just press this button and Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones show up. But by getting this button I'm essentially giving up the idea of dating Charlize Theron. I'll bet she never falls. She would get my spare key in an instant.