Final Fart

Today, October 12, 2018, a human being released the final bit of flatulence. The world rejoiced. It happened in a small town in West Virginia, a 98 year old man, the last holdout. Only four people were in attendance, three grandchildren and an official government fart checker.
Better eating habits, several wonder drugs and exercises designed to strengthen the sphincter muscles led to the disappearance of this global plague. There may be some aboriginal tribes where passing gas still exists, but since there is no way to reach them the World Farting Commission has signed off on this final official fart.
This is now a better, safer world for our children, our President declared. Everyone except the French agreed. Our state is to be commended for letting nature take its course and not browbeating this man, said West Virginia's governor. Canada laid claim to the title of least farty nation, but how do you determine that? So much uncharted terrain. Scientists bottled farts from all over the world, including every ethnic group and race. Rumor has it Eskimos created the deadliest ones, followed by super models and deep sea divers, who blamed it on the fish.
Now if only we can get dogs to stop cutting the cheese.