Whenever I sneeze a child in a Third World country gets free dental benefits and I get 25 points toward heaven. That's the deal I struck with the kindly woman who appeared at my door one day.
Well I just can't leave well enough alone. I dialed the 1-800 number at the bottom of our contract and asked if there was anything else I could do to ensure my entry into Paradise. She said a rider could be added indicating whenever I burped another indigent child would receive new shoes and I'd get another 25 points. Never has my hiatus hernia been so beneficial, not to mention my allergies.
I mentioned this deal to my friend Carl, who nodded and leaned in to whisper. My deal, he said, is every time I fart a poor kid gets a slice of pizza and I get 50 points toward heaven. Without warning he let loose a gaseous explosion that brought me to my knees. That one had extra cheese, he said. Uh oh, I feel one with pepperoni topping coming on, he gasped. But I sprinted away before that bomb landed.
I have lots of phlegm, but they actually subtract points for spitting. I hear only St. Paul is allowed to chew tobacco up there.
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