I have a bar in my place, but don't drink. As a former mail carrier I got bottles from customers during the holidays. I still have most of them, unopened. I do not understand the charm of getting drunk. Sure, vomiting burns calories, but what else is so attractive about getting blitzed?
At social events I sit in the corner waiting for others to get plastered. Then I tape what they say, things they'd never reveal while sober. I keep these tapes in a safe place for future use in case I need a favor. Or perhaps just to make my life easier I'll barter them.
Except now, with everyone writing memoirs, nothing is secret.
Wetting my whistle means seltzer or water. No headache, no sick stomach, no loss of memory. No, I'm not very popular. Sometimes I'll remove the cap off my bottles and sniff. I still don't get it. Drinking and smoking. When did that equal sophistication?
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