Staten Island becomes part of Nova Scotia
Toe fungus reaches Defcon 5 threat level
Eye contact will completely disappear
Twitter posts will replace a Masters thesis
Roseann Barr will be placed in a time capsule
Pepper spray will outsell Holy Water
Strip searching is an Olympic sport
Every white person on the upper West Side will adopt a Chinese orphan
Paul McCartney will develop a fourth chin
Local militia will form to prevent Taylor Swift from entering city limits
Bald becomes the new symbol of sensitivity
Boy bands will be bought & sold on the Black Market
No one south of Delaware will use the word conundrum
Excess poets will be auctioned off
The words Man Up will mean switching from margarine back to butter
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