Inner Circle

So you want to be in my inner circle of friends. Understandable. There are some things you need to know, qualifications, to be frank.
You don't have to be terribly good looking, just exceedingly presentable. Posture is important--no slouching in my circle. Scratching is something I do not encourage. Nobody's counting, but you'll be quietly told if excess scratching persists. You need at least three good stories for when I must to take a break from imparting my wisdom. Silence has its place, but I prefer constant dialogue or monologue. No texting when I'm speaking, or checking anything on any electronic device. If you feel overwhelmed by my intellectual expounding you are permitted to hold onto someone.
If you speak Tagalog consider yourself halfway into my circle because I need someone to translate what beautiful Filipino women are saying. More important is understanding irony. If you can counter my points with irony, spoken in an ironic tone, rather than banish you, I will let you sit next to me when we go to Five Guys for burgers. I respect gumption as long as you don't spray saliva. My inner circle members must be able to raise one eyebrow quizzically. It's just a thing I enjoy. I do not micromanage. Decide amongst yourselves who will pick up the check when we go out. Occasionally I may pay, but do not get comfortable with that notion.
Can any of you teach me to rumba? That's an automatic entry into my circle.