Some years ago I began collecting unusual growths from my body. Boils, cysts, carbuncles, pimples, warts, basal bumps, benign tumors, corns, bone spurs, birth marks. I put them in a cooler for preservation.
At some point I asked open minded friends for their growth anomalies and soon I had quite a collection. I sorted them by size and weight. I'm particularly proud of a two ounce carbuncle I sliced off my hip.
Then I got greedy. Sneaked around hospital dumpsters, seeking anything I could take home and add to my stash. I got lucky one night. Found a box of discarded umbilical cords. These lifelines once so vital were shamefully tossed out and forgotten.
You're thinking, this guy needs help. That's your opinion. It's not like I was stealing placentas. Except that one I found that was actually pulsing with life. That has become the crown jewel of my collection. I call it Edward. I don't pretend to know the value of what I have. That's up to E-Bay or Craigslist to determine. I do know that when I die my kids will benefit from this, as their value will only go up. Unlike Facebook. Now all I need is some kids.
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