Whenever I want special treatment, I disguise myself as ZZ Top. I wear a long phony beard, the shades, wide brimmed cowboy hat, boots, t-shirt and jeans. Suspenders are optional.
I practice my Texas twang before leaving the house. Since there are two members of this band known for its guitar work, I'm forced to keep a life sized dummy in my garage dressed exactly like me. They are never seen apart.
None of the neighbors question my dragging it out to the car at twilight. This is Hudson County--no one asks questions. At the restaurant, I am recognized and we get the best table. I explain my partner has a sick stomach and only wants soup. When no one is looking I slurp it myself. I make sure I prop him up securely so he doesn't slide down.
When we are approached for autographs, I explain a virus has made it impossible for him to hold a pen, so I sign for both of us. Nubile young women present an interesting challenge. When we retreat to their Winnebago for some hijinks, I apologize for his non responsiveness by explaining he's shy. Sometimes we'll share a woman and it's especially humiliating when she later remarks that she had a better time with him.
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