My Shoulder

My shoulder hurts. It's been hurting for days. I take anti-inflammatory pills, it feels better, I lift weights, it starts hurting again. Why, you ask, don't I just stop exercising and give it time to heal?
Two words--Kelly Ripa.
Have you seen Ripa's biceps lately? This is a woman who weighs maybe 105 pounds and her arms are ridiculously ripped. She knows it and flaunts it. As much as I enjoy her sense of humor, I find it disturbing that this actress may have better muscularity than me. So I exercise when I should be resting this injury. I don't even know how I did it. It's in the deltoids area--which deltoid I'm not sure. There are at least three, four if you're Hugh Jackman.
Look, I don't mind Angela Bassett having better arms than me, or even Michelle Obama. But having a tiny blonde actress looking more pumped sends me into a tailspin emotionally. I retreat into myself, which, if you've seen my insides, is kind of disgusting.
So I suffer with a bad right shoulder, which hurts when I wipe the shower or sweep or do any cleaning at all. Soon my condo will be a pigsty, I'll stop shaving and gradually my life will unravel. I won't be able to use a can opener, my main cooking utensil. Ultimately, I'll starve to death in a filthy hovel, all because of Kelly Ripa's biceps. My shoulder hurts just typing this.