The Cookies

There is an art to confronting the cookies. There are always cookies, you know this. Seltzer and coffee are just foreplay. So is actual conversation. It doesn't matter what kind of cookies; the challenge remains the same--how to leave the event having eaten more cookies than anyone else.
You must be proactive. Arrive early, examine the placement of the cookie dishes. Most likely they will be equidistant from the center of the table. While the host is in the kitchen preparing coffee, gently slide both dishes a few inches closer to you so you won't have to reach as far. Take one cookie from one dish and rearrange the others to disguise this. If there is time, remove one cookie from the other dish and do the same. Let's review--before anyone else has even shown up, you are already two cookies ahead.
Once the event has begun, boldly reach for a cookie. Send a message that you are a serious player, this is your territory and you have staked your claim. Make eye contact. I have a right to these cookies. You, I'm not so sure.
Analyze your competition. One may be extremely thin. Don't be fooled. Those are the sneaky eaters who purge later on. The talkers are best to deal with. They have too much to say to chew anything. The hungry ones--you can tell, believe me--they are your main threat. You will never be able to prevent them from attacking the cookies, but you can minimize damage by offering them a breath mint. This will get them thinking perhaps they should ease off on the munching. They may even rush to the bathroom to floss. More opportunity for you to reach and grab those cookies.
One must establish a balance between maintaining the respect of your circle and scoffing down more Oreo s than anyone else. Art is difficult, but the rewards are quite evident. Especially on your shirt. They are called crumbs.