Flea Market Strategy

You don't just barge into a flea market minus a strategy. You'll wind up dizzy and disoriented. Here is my basic approach.
1. Hit the tables with the most stuff, indicating the seller is desperate to get rid of this junk, leading to better bargains.
2. Bring Pez and offer one to each seller. They'll be charmed and you'll get more deals, with the possibility of sex.
3. Wear gloves. Millions of germs live on these items, even the ones that look scrubbed clean. Assume they were kept in dark cubbyholes the owner's cat peed in.
4. Topless sellers may pique your initial interest, but beware of anything diverting your attention from the business at hand.
5. Don't bring lots of money or anyone with a reputation as a collector, especially your significant other. Flea market hysteria has led to numerous break ups.
6. If someone has a relative sitting there and it seems like you might be interested in a purchase, make sure you check their feet for deformities. You don't want to have to carry them everywhere.
7. If you purchase a snail or ferret, make sure it looks well fed. You don't want them munching on your kids all the way home.
8.Be proud of the lamp or ashtray you've scored, no matter how ridiculous they look. At some point you'll be a seller and you need something to sell, right?
9. Purchasing photos of other people's family members because you live alone borders on awkward.
10. First and foremost--locate the Port-O-Potty.