Rasputin

Rasputin is screwing everything not nailed down and a few things that are. I don't get it. I'm a Romanov Prince with wonderful hygiene and I can't get any action. This guy, who never washes, who slobbers over his food, who only dresses in black, this charlatan has women just throwing themselves at him. And what is this Mad Monk nonsense? Has he ever even been a monk? Are monks supposed to get this much sex?
Supposedly he has these healing powers. Why doesn't he heal that stench coming from him? I think he has lice and bed bugs. He pretends to be meditating. He stares at you for no reason. God, he gives me the creeps. Some of us Romanovs see right through him. The guy's a moocher. Did he ever pay for anything in his life?
We tried to kill him. Several times. Poison in his wine. Made him drowsy. Shot him. The bullet barely grazed his shoulder. Tried to smother him in his sleep. All he did was vomit. Bashed him in the head with a hammer. The hammer broke. Set him on fire. He dropped and rolled--ruined our best throw rug. The man is indestructible.
We find out too late that the guy is actually married and has three children. Legally, he shouldn't even be here. Day after day he bilks my family out of its riches. Try to get hold of the czar on this. The man doesn't want to be bothered. At some point Rasputin is going to nail the czarina and then all hell will break loose. Meantime I'm seeking a stronger poison. God, does he smell.